Worried, Angry & Powerless

I’m going to get into some personal stuff here as I’ve given fair warning I would. This is my personal blog and my writing has to be a true reflection of my feelings or it becomes worthless. When things happen in my life I feel the need to write about them and for over four years now this has been my chosen depository for documenting my life as I work towards my dream. On that basis I make no apology for writing like this, please feel free to click away now.

As some of you will know my partner Gail had an emergency Appendectomy a week ago, she initially recovered well but after a couple of days some complications with her bowel appeared and she’s been fighting a bit of an uphill battle ever since. We’re told it’s nothing unusual, we’re told there’s nothing really amiss, we’re told it’s just a matter of waiting, but the worry doesn’t go away.

So for the past 7 days I’ve spent a couple of hours each evening visiting the hospital and trying to support Gail as much as possible, but here’s the thing. I’ve been forced to face up to feelings of absolute powerlessness and it dawned on me this evening that for the past year I’ve been working at creating an environment where I have a far greater level of choice and control than I’ve ever had in my life. Despite all the failures, set-backs and financial worries I’ve been high on the feeling of control, of being master of my own destiny and free to choose which path I follow and how I lead my life. I think that’s why I’ve found this week so hard because there’s nothing I can do that really helps someone I love. I have no choice but to trust that people I’ve never met are going to do the best job they possibly can and give Gail the care and attention she needs to make her better.

Now I am in no doubt that there are some good people involved in her care and I now know some of their faces at least but the more I visit the more I see signs of  a lack of attention to details. Every night Gail tells me of some little incident where something had been overlooked or she had been left to fend for herself. It just add to the worry. She’s fighting a physiological battle to stay positive but the longer she stays in that ward the harder that battle gets. Trouble is I’m just a simple guy with no medical knowledge and I struggle to see how Gail is going to get better when for 7 days she hasn’t eaten anything, hasn’t had any decent sleep, hasn’t seen daylight, has no fresh air, endures multiple repeated intrusive procedures each day, and, as someone particularly sensitive to personal hygiene and bodily functions, has to be helped by strangers to do these things, and on at least one occasion it seems, begrudgingly. As if all the above weren’t enough she has to suffer acute embarrassment and a lack of respect and understanding. AND THERE’S NOT A DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!

As the post title says, Worried, angry and above all powerless. It’s hard to take but it’s nothing compared to the suffering of my girl. To those with loved ones in ill health I send my sympathy. To those lucky enough to be free of such worries be grateful, don’t waste time on worthless consumption, use your strength, use your freedom of choice and go do something of worth.